in total denial

LOL.Sometimes I feel like banging my own head against the wall. Sometimes I feel like laughing at myself till my stomach hurts.

Because I never seem to get it.I never seem to learn for my past,my mistakes that I have regretted so much,those memories I never want to repeat itself or cross my way EVER again.

BUT i still don't feel the pang of what that had made me so miserable before.

Why is it so difficult for me to change? Or at least change my perception towards things in life. Why I never give up on certain things that make me feel more and more vulnerable through the days?

I pity myself for not having a stand in life.Or having a stand in life but dont hold on to it. And the way that I dont do things which I think is the best way to be happier. Things I believe in,have so much faith in,but went against it just because Im afraid of NOT taking the chances.

I think I think too much.I worry about every single thing.I should learn to be more relaxed, more free-spirited,more optimistic.

Think happy thoughts.

I know sometimes we have to fall in order to stand up again. Love has taken its toll on me. And ONCE I make my mind up of LEAVING, I am dead serious and I will never look back EVER again.


Heh.Who am I kidding.

I almost chocked myself to death by laughing at myself when I typed that.

I know I would never "turn a new leaf".I know myself too well.

I overestimated myself.

I will always be suffocated in this never-ending denial. and those countless lame excuses I make up for him,and for me so I will feel better.

Till then.