A pussy!

my head is overloaded from friendster-ing since 1100 hours.now its 1440 hours and i feel dizzy. I am tired.no i mean exhausted and my mind doesnt rest.I hate this stupid humid weather cos i will feel warm and that triggers my level of patience.

I will repeat this sentence again and again till you get sick of it : I HATE THIS PLACE.

I bet you guys know why.I will NEVER miss this place when i get my asses out of here. I will try my best not to even give ANY THOUGHTS about this place.I will forget that I ever been to this place and stayed for 1 and a half year. I will not reminisce about anything that I went through when I'm here.

I'll just pretend I don't know where the fck Kdh is.

I am hungry.and LACK OF SLEEP. I am looking forward to play basketball tonight. I will do my work this weekend,with the help of WIRELESS! muhahaaauhauahauhauahauaha.

I WILL NEVER LET PPL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP. i will make them feel like crap. like a piece of the biggest stinkiest crap!

i am sick of trying to live up to their expectations.I am sick of not being the one they have always wanted me to be.i am sick of trying to convince others to believe in my words(although i am not really telling the truth). I AM S-I-C-K.

THIS IS WHO I AM. I am a sickening paranoid bitch that worry about EVERY SINGLE THING.I am this person who need explainations when I can't figure it out. I am a green-eyed monster that tends to get jealous over little things.

I dont want to be a boring lawyer. I wanna be an English teacher that teaches in the RURAL AREA. I want to teach people that are eager to learn,not working with stupid sick minded ppl in the cities. I want to involve in charity,not gain money being a public prosecutor.I want to be free-spirited.
I dont need much money.I dont want big cars.

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.

I JUST WANT TO BE AN ENGLISH TEACHER.

TOO BAD I AM TOO PUSSY TO REACH MY DREAMS

HAIRCUT

ASHA cut her hair!!!! SHE CUT HER LONG LOCKS!!C-U-T!! L-O-N-G!

She has gone nuts.She is a haircut-addict.She cant stand it if she didnt cut her hair for more than 6 months.

while I am regretting my decision of cutting my hair,she cut her hair with no regrets.

GOOD FOR HER.

Random but not so random

i love myself

Now everything is good.I can get control of myself and I dont really spend my time asking why things happened.

I dont have to explain things anymore. I am perfectly fine. not happy but okay.

and I LOVE MY NEW I-DONT-GIVE-A-DAMN attitude!

HURRAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!

ME today

Right now I feel so....relax...

I feel calm and all sort of postive feelings.

WHY????

oh heck i dont even knw!!

iM HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

moderFCKLOVE.

I had him to say it all out yesteryday.I had him to confess and tell me everything and answer every question that has been bugging me.

And he did.He tells me everything.He's quite a straight-foward person and,he did hurt me a little.But at least he's being honest and I really hate it if people lie to me,you know wat i mean? Those stupid motherfucking guys that says "I missed you so much,I still care about you, You still mean so much to me" and all that craps.I dont really like that kinda shits and I dont need it in my already messed-up life.Don't say it if you don't mean it.

Anyways,Did it makes me a happier person?

I think it did.Less mind-bugging thoughts.

I can't deny I have personal problems.Issues regarding my wrecked emotions.I am all over the place,and people that doesn't know me won't understand me.

I am a fool of love.And I kinda proved it.

Cos he makes me fall for him even deeper than I should. And he will be another sweet destruction.

GoodLuck for me.

in total denial

LOL.Sometimes I feel like banging my own head against the wall. Sometimes I feel like laughing at myself till my stomach hurts.

Because I never seem to get it.I never seem to learn for my past,my mistakes that I have regretted so much,those memories I never want to repeat itself or cross my way EVER again.

BUT i still don't feel the pang of what that had made me so miserable before.

Why is it so difficult for me to change? Or at least change my perception towards things in life. Why I never give up on certain things that make me feel more and more vulnerable through the days?

I pity myself for not having a stand in life.Or having a stand in life but dont hold on to it. And the way that I dont do things which I think is the best way to be happier. Things I believe in,have so much faith in,but went against it just because Im afraid of NOT taking the chances.

I think I think too much.I worry about every single thing.I should learn to be more relaxed, more free-spirited,more optimistic.

Think happy thoughts.

I know sometimes we have to fall in order to stand up again. Love has taken its toll on me. And ONCE I make my mind up of LEAVING, I am dead serious and I will never look back EVER again.


Heh.Who am I kidding.

I almost chocked myself to death by laughing at myself when I typed that.

I know I would never "turn a new leaf".I know myself too well.

I overestimated myself.

I will always be suffocated in this never-ending denial. and those countless lame excuses I make up for him,and for me so I will feel better.

Till then.

Damn.

As the saying goes "Sun will not always shines". I hate it when its right.

Blgh.My dreams of meeting him during the semester break just vanished into thin air when he told me he will be doing his practical in Sabah..S-A-B-A-H! Which is not in Sarawak!! and to make it worst,he'll be away for 8 weeks.2 freaking MONTHS.

DAMN IT!! I was totally excited to meet him during the holidays.Spending time with him and sharing the love... Now I found out that I can't. All the plans are ruined,and I really hate it when things don't go the way i want them to.

BUT,i am going against all odd.I am going to Sabah.Whatever it takes,I dont give a damn.

MODERFUCKS!!!

I hate it.I hate her for existing in his life before me.I hate her for leaving such a deep wound in his heart that is almost impossible to cure.I hate her for being such an important person to ever be forgotten by him.

I want to be someone who means the world to him.I want him to be delighted whenever he thinks about me.I want to be the lullaby when he sleeps.I want to be the song when he sings. I want to be his comfort,his love,his hugs and kisses.

Actually,its kinda funny when I think back about this crap.How can I fell in love with a complete stranger,a person I never met in my life? How can I let a stranger gets the best of me and rips my sanity away?When did I go wrong? Why did I fell so fast?

Is it because he gave me a tender loving care I longed for all these while? Is he the man of my dreams?Is he the ONE?

Ive got too many unanswered questions.and they've been bugging me too much.

This person.My sayang,means so much to me.

Hubby,
I'll learn how to cook. I'll cook your favourite food.
I'll do the house chores if you want, although I wasnt really born to do that stuff.
I'll get myself a tattoo on my lower back,just because you think its sexy.
I'll keep my hair long just the way you like it.
I'll dye my hair black. I will never touch a cigarette again.
I will only drink alcoholic drinks whenever I'm with you,so that we can go crazy together.
I'll go back to Swk during holidays and drive all the way to get to you.

I lied before,and I will make up to it.
I will be there for you through thick and thin,sadness and happiness.
For better or worst.

I will make you the happiest person you can ever imagine.

I will be so much better. I promise you that.

XOXO.

of falling in love

Ive been through shits when it comes to relationships. I hate broken promises and dreams that are left untouched.all those feelings that are left unsaid. shared memories,all those sweet nothings.

I hate it when because love is capable of making me to be who I'm not.I hate to be a weak person, I hate being sad.I hate feeling crappy.I hate the happiness that comes and goes.

Too bad im terrified of being alone too. blgh.

updates

It has been so many days,i know.but i just cant seem to get myself to blog nowadays. prolly cos of my overload assignments and too much sleep. :)

i still dont have a life.SO SUE ME.. like,seriously man. I hate this place.This place makes me miss my mom even.Which is like,SO RARE.

WTV.so Yea,ive been occupying myself with this person who demands so much from me and I actually enjoy torturing myself too. so what,dats what I'm all about right,self-destruction and NOTHING ELSE.

I still feel like shit every now and then,but knowing that somebody out there is actually let his ego down and tell me that he cares(indirectly) is a supa dupa thing for me.and I'm Loving it.

THat's all. I hope you can read between the lines,since I can't really type down the exact words as not to offend others.

I'll get back to u if I have a Valentine or Not.


Probably will not,like always.